(This post comes from a very personal place in my heart and it deals with a battle that I dealt with for a year and six months, so this is going to be very raw and personal, but I was inspired to post this and the Lord laid it on my heart last night, and I couldn’t sleep because of it. However, there may be someone that needs this, so if you’d like to read my story, then here it is!)
I remember sitting in that examining room in the doctor’s office a month ago dreading the thought of even being there. All I could hear was the slight sound of the air conditioner running, people walking in the halls, but most importantly, the dead silence was louder than ever before. I looked at the white walls and wondered how they could be so clean, and I looked down at at the floor and prayed that this appointment would end very soon.
I knew what the doctor was going to say, and I knew the same old conversation, but this time it was much different, and it ended up knocking me down. The doctor looked at me and said those three words that I never wanted to hear “You lost weight.” I went into my vulnerable state as I sat there alone in that hospital room and nearly cried when she went out to go talk to someone. How could the doctor just plainly tell me that when she knows how hard I try to gain weight? I’ve told her everything! I’ve told her how hard I strive to gain weight, how I’ve taken her advice and it never worked, and I’ve always asked her for tips, so how could she look me in the eyes stone-cold and say that and just walk away?
How could the doctor tell me that when six months ago, I used to live my life on the scale and go into a depression when I saw I didn’t gain any weight? How could someone say that to a person who is learning to put their weight into God’s hands? How could someone know someone’s weakness and not tread lightly on the subject? For a year to six months ago, I would constantly worry about my weight instead of trusting Christ! I would compare myself to other girls. I would think “I’m way to thin” or “Why can’t I be like them,” but as time went on, I began to to trust Him, but last month ended up faltering my progress, but in the end, it didn’t make me hit rock bottom.
Then it was that time that the insults and the assumptions began. They tested my blood, and I was completely healthy besides me having low blood sugar! I had no anemia, all of my vitals are fine, my organs are functioning properly, and I was getting the necessary nutrients and nutritional value, but this wasn’t good enough. The doctor questioned my friends and family by wondering if they were telling me to be thin when she knows that my family and friends care about my health, The doctor would also tell me “Maybe you should change your diet to nothing but junk food, because you clearly need it.” She would say these things coldly to me, and when I tried to explain, she would cut me off. All of these passive aggressive comments clouded my vision.
This is why I sometimes hate going to doctor’s offices, but I mainly hate going to my primary doctor. No one seems to listen to me when I say that I try, but they don’t listen. The doctor was suggesting more testing, but they already took my blood to check to see if I was okay, so why was I going to do it again? I wasn’t going to put myself through that when I’ve already did it once!
I know I shouldn’t have felt that way, but I did! I couldn’t help but feel defeated and depressed. I remember asking the doctor “What if God just made me this way in His design,” but she shook her head and looked at me like I was crazy, but my question was genuine! I ate three meals a day, had six snacks a day, included three protein drinks throughout the day, and included thirty minutes of exercise. I did everything they told me too, so how is my question funny?
I walked out of that doctor’s office shaking. I was thrown into a moment of weakness and I was attacked in the area that is very sensitive to me, and it bothered me. While I was replaying that day in the doctor’s office in my mind while trying to sleep last night, I remembered something that God was trying to tell me all of this time, so I decided to listen closely to Him.
“Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.” 1 Peter 3:3-4
Why am I going to let something I can’t control, which is my weight, rule me when Christ is looking at my heart? I should worry about having a gentle and quiet spirit instead of worrying about something that is out of my control. Though it’s easier said than done, I try to get my weight off my mind by thinking about Jesus constantly. I now focus my thoughts on “Is my walk with Christ where it is supposed to be,” and I make examining my faith my main goal instead of what the scale might say.
“I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.” Psalm 139:14
He made it known to me that I was fearfully and wonderfully made, I was made in His design, and that gave me peace! Though I try so hard so gain weight, I have a God who already knows what is going on and He is in control. Those tests proved that He was in control when everything came back completely healthy, but though there are people who want me to take test upon test, I will rest in the reassurance that this is out of my control and I will trust God to mold and shape me into the person He wants me to be. Back in November, my mom and I threw away my scale and though I was about to go out and buy another one last month, Christ reminded me that I should not put my faith in the numbers on the scale, but I should put my faith in Him.
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.” 2 Corinthians 4:16
My body is getting old each and every day, but my soul is being renewed each day! The inside is what the Lord looks at, which will reflect on the outside, and He let me know that. I need to focus on strengthening my walk with Him and making sure I am alert in my faith, so I now have a new outlook on my situation. I’m done worrying about the outer, but I am now going to put my complete and utter focus on my inner self, which is my heart.
When I focus on this, I will not have any room to focus on my struggles. It’s been a month since I was sitting in that examining room, and though I occasionally think and stress about my inability to gain weight, I go into prayer immediately. We all have things we deal with, and this was one of mine, but with Christ on my side, He has gotten me through this battle that has caused me so much stress and brokenness in the past, but now, I have a new song to sing, and though things may not add up, I have a God who understands all situations, so why worry? (Remember when I mentioned that the doctor said I lost weight, well apparently, I only lost .3 of a pound; therefore, I didn’t even lose a pound, yet they made it seem like I lost many pounds.)
Though that appointment last month was a stumbling block, I didn’t let it defeat me, and though there will be people who want to see me stress over something that is not in my control, there’s just one thing I have to say; “My worth isn’t found in the world or in my appearance, my worth is found in the one who saved my soul!”